anoel: anoel lioness (anoel lioness)
Anoel ([personal profile] anoel) wrote2009-11-21 10:15 pm
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Life, The Universe and Me

So....where to begin. Basically this semester has not gone as I hoped. I've lost a lot of motivation for the work I'm doing and I think I need another break from college. I dropped my Intro to Graphic Design class as it was just too much work that I was struggling with and I was going to fail if I didn't get out. I'm glad I did because I definitely wouldn't be able to handle it now when my motivation is super low. Being here where I finally had everything I thought I needed for a good college experience: major I loved, single room, car, friends, comfortable with my campus and happy in a great place to live and then STILL miserable really brought me down. Back in October I kept feeling like life had no meaning anymore, that if I couldn't succeed at anything, what was the point of it all? It was very weird, like an existential crisis or something. For once, I questioned whether I should go to college at all and the whole basis of how I wanted to live my life since I've always wanted a job I love to do most of all and now I wonder if I will have to settle for a job I'm just okay with doing.

It wasn't just college too. I also was feeling like what I always thought about TV and fandom was being shaken up. Basically most of my shows were disappointing me and I felt like I was being forced to watch shows that I don't care about anymore just because they're popular with fandom like Supernatural or Merlin. But I hate episodic procedural shows and my love for a character or relationship is not enough to keep me watching anymore nor fandom or vids. And not just those kind of shows too, I also dropped Greys and Brothers & Sisters and Desperate Housewives although with them and others, I may catch up someday. But for now I'm bored with most of them and I don't want to have to force myself to watch TV. I'm going to watch whatever shows I want and fuck what fandom thinks. And yeah TV's not giving me a ton of love these days but I still love Glee and I enjoy my comedy shows on Monday and Thursday and a few others so I've found my peace with it now. Deleted a ton of shows I was going to catch up on off my hard drive and it felt good. I haven't been watching a ton of TV for me and it's weird and yet liberating but it's definitely shaken up some of the foundations of myself that's I've had for the last few years.

All of this led to me reconsidering what I'm going to do next year and what I want out of life. I'm bored with life right now, I'm bored with myself and the sights I see (low on money right now so I can't drive around CA like I want) and I want adventure. I want to do something new, try something new. First though, I need to learn a skill. I'm sick of being forced to learn and do things in school that have nothing to do what what I want to learn. All I know is I'm in the same place I was in previously where I just couldn't see the use of school to my life besides society thinking that was the best thing to do, what you're supposed to do. The difference is this time I want to learn on my own and I know what I want to learn: Flash. I want to become a master in it so I have a marketable skill. Of course I'll be learning a variety of things in connection with it but that's the main thing. So I'm going to take next semester off and either find a full time job here in LA so I can stay out here (doubtful but who knows) or go back to NY and learn there. Yeah it might be a sacrifice but I find it so hard to learn in a college environment when I feel like I have to put my college obligations first so it'll be worth it this way. In this day and age, I have the library and internet at my disposal and I'm willing to do the work to get me where I want to be. It might not work out but I want to at least try and I want this really, really bad so I'm willing to go for it.

Another thing that was sucking is I couldn't find a job here which was extremely frustrating when you apply to a ton of jobs and have lots of work study money. But I finally found a job yesterday!!! It's so good to be hired and it's a student assistant position so it shouldn't be too hard. I don't start til December but I'm very happy to be getting some money.

Now we come to what Adam Lambert has to do with all of this. Adam has come into my life at a perfect time because this is just when I need him. I feel like right now I am relating to him back when he was around 17 and not the glam sex rockstar god he is now. I find it so inspiring that he used to have lower self-esteem and was overweight and not all cool looking because that's how I feel now. But he travelled the world, lived on his own in LA and developed his own style and that's exactly what I want to do. He inspires me most of all in terms of style as I'm so bored with my look if you can call at that. Mostly I blend into the crowd and just want to be comfortable but next year I really want to experiment a lot more with style like I never did in high school. I want to try all kinds of looks (including his) and see what I like best. It'll be scary for me but I want to stop caring what everyone thinks and express all the different parts of me. I relate to so many thing, I find so many different aesthetics beautiful and I want to reflect that. And even if nothing sticks, at least I tried.

So yeah, basically next year I want to focus on learning web design and hopefully eventually doing some freelance type work. I want to work on my personal style and experiment there. I'm also hoping to find some romance because seriously, I want it more than anything else in the whole world. And if I could fit in some adventure stuff like sky diving, hiking mountains, etc and maybe some travel, all the better. I'd at least be saving for travel in 2011. And if anytime I feel like I do need college for some reason, I could go back and do that. The great thing about life as I see it now is that I can truly do anything, all the doors are open and it's a matter of me finding what exactly I'd like to do and pursuing it.

I'm just glad I am seeing hope in my life even if everything hasn't turned out how I thought. Life is not a race in the end and the future is not set in stone and I look forward to the challenges ahead.

Adam Lambert's CD, For Your Entertainment comes out Monday!! Everyone go buy it, for it is awesome. My favorite songs so far are Music Again (best.chorus.ever.) and Surefire Winners for it's great lyrics (I was born with glitter on my face/My baby clothes made of leather and lace/And all the girls in the club wanna know/Where did all their pretty boys go?...!!!) and I love the pure dancability of Fever (there HE goes, my baby walks so slow...HE!), Strut, If I Had You and For Your Entertainment. I also love Soaked (ORCHESTRA epicness!) and Sleepwalker is ridiculously beautiful. All the songs are just so amazing, I can't even say. He is definitely worth supporting. And he's performing his single for the first time at the AMA's tomorrow! I am so excited I can't even say. I'm sure the concert will be presented amazingly like him.

Speaking of Adam, I have a favor to ask. Please please please if you could click this Demand It link to get Adam, Kris and Allison to perform in NYC (I wanted LA but NYC is ahead so let's go with that-plus I may be closer anyways who knows) it would be awesome. It only takes a minute, I swear. You can put New York City or zip code, 10001 in the box. I need to see some Kradison live in concert!

Demand Adam, Kris & Allison in New York City!
Adam, Kris & Allison in New York City - Learn more about this Eventful Demand

View all New York City events on Eventful
windupbasilisk: the two Nanas (Default)

[personal profile] windupbasilisk 2009-11-22 07:19 am (UTC)(link)
Um, so, I don't really know you & vice versa (I'm the same person as [personal profile] fannishmuffin from September) but I can really, really relate to this. I've always been great at learning by doing, and at working, but I suck at school. For some reason as soon as anything gets attached to formal classes and grades I start to avoid it and suck at it even if it's something I love.

Anyway, I built one career (in tech theater) off of learning-by-doing and impressing people, as opposed to off a college record, and now I'm trying to build one in web development the same way. It's a lot harder but I feel like it's worth it.

College isn't for everyone, and it's taken me a long time myself to be okay with that. But it really is okay.
windupbasilisk: the two Nanas (Default)

[personal profile] windupbasilisk 2009-11-22 06:32 pm (UTC)(link)
Hee, thanks for not flocking then!

I mean, it's... I miss being able to do school, but I'm not that person any more, and there are ways to learn that aren't that. I think we all have to make our own way, in the end.
klia: (ronon)

[personal profile] klia 2009-11-22 04:45 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm going to watch whatever shows I want and fuck what fandom thinks.

Words to live by. Srsly. And those shows you think no one else is watching? Trust me, someone always is, and you'll find them.

FWIW, the struggles you're experiencing seem pretty normal to me (not that that's any consolation, but I doubt you're alone in your turmoil), but it also sounds like you may be a little depressed. Have you considered visiting the campus clinic?

P.S. I wasn't able to go to college and have spent my life regretting not finding a way.