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Take these lies and make them true
So was not having a great day today although most of it was in my head. Going to try some honest personal sharing here.
Some days I just go into such a funk and I wonder why I'm here in this world and what the point of all of this is. I have all this self-hatred inside and I try to keep it down but then it rises to the surface and I get all depressed and I just want this whole stupid world to go away. I'll admit to using TV as a coping device, to get inside a different world where I'm not me, I'm someone else in a different world. It's the same thing I did when I was a kid with reading books which helped me escape. I get so frustrated when I can't stop thinking about what people will think and that they're judging me in RL and on LJ. I hate thinking that way but I can't seem to make it go away and it's ALWAYS THERE in the back of my mind and I wish it would stop. Lots of the social insecurity stuff I struggle with that revolves around that. Sometimes, a lot of the time actually it feels like I don't belong with anyone that I can't deeply connect with anyone one and the ones that do will just abandon me or leave without a word. And it's like everyone has a family or a group of friends and I've got nothing or only one person really which is better than nothing I'll admit. And I'm always scared people don't really want me around and I'm not good enough for anyone in any sense. And then there's all that pressure of trying to be good enough, for my perfectionist self and for other people and there's always so many obligations from school and work and the rest of RL to LJ and commenting and vidding and all the rest of it. And I have so many regrets about some of my actions that I wish so much that I can take back, some that go as far back as six years ago. It all adds up and makes me want to withdraw from the world so I can have a little peace, serenity if you will.
I was trying to vid today and it was just so frustrating because I'm on the endless stage of clipping (in Premiere it still sucks) and there's just so much source and I want this to be a *perfect* vid or what I see in my head and I'm so scared it'll just suck in the end. And then there's the Premieres vid that I'm nervous about doing well or at all for that matter. Sometimes vidding is just so hard and so much work and I just want to stop it. But maybe it's just me not having truly vidded for awhile. And then there's so much stuff I have to write and a lot of the time I just don't feel up to it. And then I'm afraid I'm just being lazy which is probably part of it in some way. And then it gets tiring thinking about all this stuff and I try to push it all away for awhile. So yeah, that's some of the stuff I deal with I guess.
On a happier note, sometimes I love to ship. So I'm getting addicted to Oz which somehow manages to suck me into all the storylines and yet most of all I ship a fucked up prison love story against all odds and I choose to believe and hope and damn. Sometimes, sometimes, it pays off. And just proves that a couple can start with lies and end up having the love being the truth (see Jack/Irina for more proof) if only for a moment.
OMG the Beecher/Keller KISS!!! :D :D I am so over the moon about that. It was just...beautiful and perfect and exactly what I could want after all that waiting. I left off last where Chris comes back from the hole and poor Toby gets rejected. And THEN he finds out Schillinger is working with Chris and oh it's all so tragic. But Chris really loves him and apologizes! The symmetry in then Keller being rejected and wanting a kiss is wonderfully heartbreaking. But Beecher can't trust him and it rips my heart out. I love how they gradually bring them back together with them working against Schillinger and Keller working out his issues and Beecher finally forgiving Keller. And then the KISS! Oh I am still not over the kiss. I love the space between them and how they slowly move together, the beautiful fragile touching, the romance of it all, the tentative nature of it, the first real kiss between them and how they hold each other. It just renews my belief in love again, that it will survive and overcome. I know this is only one scene and who knows what craziness and tragicness and how fucked up they could be but for now I am celebrating finally getting what I want. Plus, roommates again!
As for the rest of the show, I'm really loving it. It's so good at being true to the characters and letting them arc but not giving into happy ending while still showing the humanity of the people even if it's the worst of humanity. I really, really love the themes of each episode and how they find a way to connect it to many characters and have it really mean something. And just like in The Wire, the moments of happiness and good are so well earned. My favorites by far was when all the inmates donated money to help the old man's son go to Disneyworld and then he saw him and he gave him a hug. I cried both times, it was so beautiful and touching. Poet going back to Oz really sucked though. I knew the boxing plot was going to end badly although they did it well in a way I wasn't expecting. The gun is definitely a good way to end the season. I'm anxious to see how that and all the racial tensions will play out. I love the Ryan and his brother plot which can break my heart with how Ryan protects his brother while still disliking how he uses him. I love how the characters' storylines can all connect and how serial the show is with plots having lasting consequence.
I love how the show looks at what people will do to belong and to get respect along with what lengths people go to for self-preservation. I love how it takes all the idealist notions and people and has them deal with the often times hopelessness nature of it all. There's just so many different aspects of it that get juggled so well and so much happens in every episode that has an impact. I will say the 2nd season finale was way too filled with blood and gore for me and I can usually take it but that's Oz for you.
This show really interests me because I've always found redemption interesting which is one of the reasons I loved Angel so much. Moral ambiguity is one of my favorite things to explore in narratives as well as well life and it gets explored greatly on the show. Plus there is Bodie and Carver from The Wire! I've also seen Ryan in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Laguerta from Dexter and Carla from Scrubs. Oh and I saw Law and Order: SVU randomly one day and recognized Kellar as the main lead character in it, Elliot I think. And McManus reminds me sooo much of McNulty.
Was reading some Jack/Irina fic last night which never fails to overwhelm me with love and happiness. Man, I can never get enough of them. I fail at having the words when it comes to them but I will try:
The thing with Jack and Irina that I love is the very risk of loving each other. Especially with Jack. What makes it so romantic, so exciting is that at any time either of them could betray each other or not truly love each other. In that sense they both risk by loving one another, by the very act of believing or trying to have a relationship. I think it's most risky for Jack who already has gone through thinking all of Irina's actions and feeling were a lie and even now is not sure if she's still playing him or really loves him (or both). I love the ambiguity there that comes into so much of their relationship. One of the reasons I love the Dark Turn kiss so much (OMG SQUEE) is the huge risk it represents not only into context of Jack trusting Irina to deliver in the mission but in emotionally investing again and I love how he dives into it. One of my favorite descriptions in a fic is in![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
yahtzee63's No For Yes when she describes the "freefall" which is exactly how the two of them feel for me when they take a chance on each other. Plus flying metaphors always work for me.
I love how Jack and Irina are like first loves and established relationship all in one. They have all the past and baggage and history of the past with all its lies and truths but then they have all the time and distance of their years without each other so when they meet again it's like they're falling in love again. They have the perfect match, true love and best friends of the past and then they have all the betrayal, trust issues and love-hate relationship presently. So they can have a "first kiss" in both the past and present and everything old becomes new again. And yet unlike a lot of married couples on TV or couples who have been together for a long time, they're never boring or stuck in one comfort zone because they always have to redefine their relationship depending on who they are at that moment and what the situation brings and in trying to see where the lines between fake and real are. And stuff always comes up with them whether it be the Passages or A Dark Turn or the missing two years or the fake!Irina death and everything else. But they can still come together and the fact that they do love each other helps overcome it all. At least in my head. Plus the sex is always hot because they've always got something more to want from each other, to reaffirm their feelings and to try to find what's true without all the hangups of words.
There's just SO MUCH when it comes to them. Lots of times when I'm reading fic with them, they're completely overwhelm me and I'll have to stop reading because of everything between them. Or I'll just start crying because they destroy me. One of the worst things for me is reading right before the betrayal(s) because it hurts so much and I'm just like DON'T DO IT pleeeeease. But they never listen ;) Anyways, I'm still completely in love with them if that's not clear and I so ship them hardcore. They are SO made for each other!
I'm rewatching Pushing Daisies withlianri and Ned and Chuck are omgsocute. If you want to do pure romance that completely charms me that is how you do it. This is a big reason why PD is one of my favorite shows. Plus Ned is sooo yummy and dreamy (his smile! *romantic sigh*). People are all so gaga over Jim Halpert but if I'm going for a nice guy type, Ned is definitely my first choice for the perfect boyfriend category.
Three more days til The Office! Must not read spoilers must not read any more spoilers. I caved and read some but it's only because I'm so desperate for more of my favorite show! It just completes something inside me and I really need new material for my love. The new episodes all sound great so I'm getting super excited.
In conclusion, shipping makes everything so much better :)
Some days I just go into such a funk and I wonder why I'm here in this world and what the point of all of this is. I have all this self-hatred inside and I try to keep it down but then it rises to the surface and I get all depressed and I just want this whole stupid world to go away. I'll admit to using TV as a coping device, to get inside a different world where I'm not me, I'm someone else in a different world. It's the same thing I did when I was a kid with reading books which helped me escape. I get so frustrated when I can't stop thinking about what people will think and that they're judging me in RL and on LJ. I hate thinking that way but I can't seem to make it go away and it's ALWAYS THERE in the back of my mind and I wish it would stop. Lots of the social insecurity stuff I struggle with that revolves around that. Sometimes, a lot of the time actually it feels like I don't belong with anyone that I can't deeply connect with anyone one and the ones that do will just abandon me or leave without a word. And it's like everyone has a family or a group of friends and I've got nothing or only one person really which is better than nothing I'll admit. And I'm always scared people don't really want me around and I'm not good enough for anyone in any sense. And then there's all that pressure of trying to be good enough, for my perfectionist self and for other people and there's always so many obligations from school and work and the rest of RL to LJ and commenting and vidding and all the rest of it. And I have so many regrets about some of my actions that I wish so much that I can take back, some that go as far back as six years ago. It all adds up and makes me want to withdraw from the world so I can have a little peace, serenity if you will.
I was trying to vid today and it was just so frustrating because I'm on the endless stage of clipping (in Premiere it still sucks) and there's just so much source and I want this to be a *perfect* vid or what I see in my head and I'm so scared it'll just suck in the end. And then there's the Premieres vid that I'm nervous about doing well or at all for that matter. Sometimes vidding is just so hard and so much work and I just want to stop it. But maybe it's just me not having truly vidded for awhile. And then there's so much stuff I have to write and a lot of the time I just don't feel up to it. And then I'm afraid I'm just being lazy which is probably part of it in some way. And then it gets tiring thinking about all this stuff and I try to push it all away for awhile. So yeah, that's some of the stuff I deal with I guess.
On a happier note, sometimes I love to ship. So I'm getting addicted to Oz which somehow manages to suck me into all the storylines and yet most of all I ship a fucked up prison love story against all odds and I choose to believe and hope and damn. Sometimes, sometimes, it pays off. And just proves that a couple can start with lies and end up having the love being the truth (see Jack/Irina for more proof) if only for a moment.
OMG the Beecher/Keller KISS!!! :D :D I am so over the moon about that. It was just...beautiful and perfect and exactly what I could want after all that waiting. I left off last where Chris comes back from the hole and poor Toby gets rejected. And THEN he finds out Schillinger is working with Chris and oh it's all so tragic. But Chris really loves him and apologizes! The symmetry in then Keller being rejected and wanting a kiss is wonderfully heartbreaking. But Beecher can't trust him and it rips my heart out. I love how they gradually bring them back together with them working against Schillinger and Keller working out his issues and Beecher finally forgiving Keller. And then the KISS! Oh I am still not over the kiss. I love the space between them and how they slowly move together, the beautiful fragile touching, the romance of it all, the tentative nature of it, the first real kiss between them and how they hold each other. It just renews my belief in love again, that it will survive and overcome. I know this is only one scene and who knows what craziness and tragicness and how fucked up they could be but for now I am celebrating finally getting what I want. Plus, roommates again!
As for the rest of the show, I'm really loving it. It's so good at being true to the characters and letting them arc but not giving into happy ending while still showing the humanity of the people even if it's the worst of humanity. I really, really love the themes of each episode and how they find a way to connect it to many characters and have it really mean something. And just like in The Wire, the moments of happiness and good are so well earned. My favorites by far was when all the inmates donated money to help the old man's son go to Disneyworld and then he saw him and he gave him a hug. I cried both times, it was so beautiful and touching. Poet going back to Oz really sucked though. I knew the boxing plot was going to end badly although they did it well in a way I wasn't expecting. The gun is definitely a good way to end the season. I'm anxious to see how that and all the racial tensions will play out. I love the Ryan and his brother plot which can break my heart with how Ryan protects his brother while still disliking how he uses him. I love how the characters' storylines can all connect and how serial the show is with plots having lasting consequence.
I love how the show looks at what people will do to belong and to get respect along with what lengths people go to for self-preservation. I love how it takes all the idealist notions and people and has them deal with the often times hopelessness nature of it all. There's just so many different aspects of it that get juggled so well and so much happens in every episode that has an impact. I will say the 2nd season finale was way too filled with blood and gore for me and I can usually take it but that's Oz for you.
This show really interests me because I've always found redemption interesting which is one of the reasons I loved Angel so much. Moral ambiguity is one of my favorite things to explore in narratives as well as well life and it gets explored greatly on the show. Plus there is Bodie and Carver from The Wire! I've also seen Ryan in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Laguerta from Dexter and Carla from Scrubs. Oh and I saw Law and Order: SVU randomly one day and recognized Kellar as the main lead character in it, Elliot I think. And McManus reminds me sooo much of McNulty.
Was reading some Jack/Irina fic last night which never fails to overwhelm me with love and happiness. Man, I can never get enough of them. I fail at having the words when it comes to them but I will try:
The thing with Jack and Irina that I love is the very risk of loving each other. Especially with Jack. What makes it so romantic, so exciting is that at any time either of them could betray each other or not truly love each other. In that sense they both risk by loving one another, by the very act of believing or trying to have a relationship. I think it's most risky for Jack who already has gone through thinking all of Irina's actions and feeling were a lie and even now is not sure if she's still playing him or really loves him (or both). I love the ambiguity there that comes into so much of their relationship. One of the reasons I love the Dark Turn kiss so much (OMG SQUEE) is the huge risk it represents not only into context of Jack trusting Irina to deliver in the mission but in emotionally investing again and I love how he dives into it. One of my favorite descriptions in a fic is in
yahtzee63's No For Yes when she describes the "freefall" which is exactly how the two of them feel for me when they take a chance on each other. Plus flying metaphors always work for me. I love how Jack and Irina are like first loves and established relationship all in one. They have all the past and baggage and history of the past with all its lies and truths but then they have all the time and distance of their years without each other so when they meet again it's like they're falling in love again. They have the perfect match, true love and best friends of the past and then they have all the betrayal, trust issues and love-hate relationship presently. So they can have a "first kiss" in both the past and present and everything old becomes new again. And yet unlike a lot of married couples on TV or couples who have been together for a long time, they're never boring or stuck in one comfort zone because they always have to redefine their relationship depending on who they are at that moment and what the situation brings and in trying to see where the lines between fake and real are. And stuff always comes up with them whether it be the Passages or A Dark Turn or the missing two years or the fake!Irina death and everything else. But they can still come together and the fact that they do love each other helps overcome it all. At least in my head. Plus the sex is always hot because they've always got something more to want from each other, to reaffirm their feelings and to try to find what's true without all the hangups of words.
There's just SO MUCH when it comes to them. Lots of times when I'm reading fic with them, they're completely overwhelm me and I'll have to stop reading because of everything between them. Or I'll just start crying because they destroy me. One of the worst things for me is reading right before the betrayal(s) because it hurts so much and I'm just like DON'T DO IT pleeeeease. But they never listen ;) Anyways, I'm still completely in love with them if that's not clear and I so ship them hardcore. They are SO made for each other!
I'm rewatching Pushing Daisies with
lianri and Ned and Chuck are omgsocute. If you want to do pure romance that completely charms me that is how you do it. This is a big reason why PD is one of my favorite shows. Plus Ned is sooo yummy and dreamy (his smile! *romantic sigh*). People are all so gaga over Jim Halpert but if I'm going for a nice guy type, Ned is definitely my first choice for the perfect boyfriend category. Three more days til The Office! Must not read spoilers must not read any more spoilers. I caved and read some but it's only because I'm so desperate for more of my favorite show! It just completes something inside me and I really need new material for my love. The new episodes all sound great so I'm getting super excited.
In conclusion, shipping makes everything so much better :)
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So you know ? take you time, do what you wanna do, don't contrain yourself, don't overthink. It's cool to have expectations and to push yourself to do better, but you should enjoy the process too. :)
I just did a very happy PD vid and it was so reinvigorating. I just thought "why the hell am I so stressed out ? I should just vid and enjoy it". :)
That said, Pushing Daisies is just love, it brings so much happiness and yes, Ned IS the perfect boyfriend. Except for the fact he kills flowers to make pies ! ;)
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And if it helps at all, I think everyone has that self-hatred feeling inside. I know I do. And it's SO hard to have good friends, or to find a connection with your family. I think we all are here- online, in fandom etc. because the real world doesn't always give us enough.
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Re: Jack/Irina - you're right, those are aspects that makes their love very interesting. Personally I haven't read much fan fic about their relationship because... I'm not sure. I always feel SO sorry for people who are hurt by other people (my favorite character of all time is Disney's Quasimodo, go figure :P) and all I want to do is hug them and comfort them, so therefore I guess I'd rather read stories about Jack finding love with someone who won't hurt him again... sort of. Even though I do agree that J/I are hot and electric in each other's presence in canon! I guess I just think enough is enough and I think Jack should move on from Irina for his own good. :P Yeah, maybe that's a bit immature for me to think, but I'd rather just have him be happy. He's suffered enough. (Still, maybe he cannot be happy with a person who doesn't hurt him just a little. ;P)
Re: your last post - congrats on having two Victor dreams. I'm so envious, I haven't had a Jack dream in a long time now, boohoo! For a period of time I had them almost every night. Wtf, brain? I want them back! ;_;
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*renews work on two current PD vids, will share when they're done*
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I noticed that you are a fan of Jennifer Garner and I saw you in another Jen community. We have a community totally dedicated to Jennifer Garner
and we will be updating often with new pictures and news.
We will also post candids of Jen and Violet often. We will have a weekly icon stillness and picture of the week where you get to vote for your favorite picture as well if you are interested.
Hope to see you there! :)
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I hope that your vidding goes well.
Pushing Daisies! I so wish it would come back.
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I can totally understand your feelings of loneliness, I'm kind of there right now, but I hope I can speak for all of your flist and say, you don't ever have to worry about it on our end. We don't love you because you're a vidder (although we love your vids) or your commenting, or whatever else you think you owe us, we love you for *you* and you can never be a burden to us, or in the way.
And if you need more tangible love, I'm not sure if you still have my phone number (You've moved since that time I called you, right?), but you can always call me (I posted my phone number not too long ago). I had a blast that one time we talked on the phone, and I'd be more than happy to do so again, especially if you need some cheering up.
And as for the vidding. Well, if you're not having fun, it's ok to take a step back for a while. I know sometimes you just need to grit your teeth and get through a hard part, and you're worried about deadlines, but remember, you vid because it's *fun*. It's a hobby that you enjoy, and if you're not enjoying it anymore, you need to take a step back. And if you need any help, or a pair of eyes to look at it, well, you probably have better qualified people on your flist, but again, I'm there for you.
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This sounds chillingly familiar. Self loathing is something Ive long suffered with & Ive only just recently been able to let it go. Its taken me to some rather dark places, especially when Ive mixed it with regrets over things Ive done in the past…it has a tendency to snowball like that. Ive also used TV & computers to escape & like any “addiction” it works…for a while. Until the show/movie/game is over & you realize you have to start dealing with RL again.
I wish it were possible for someone to wave a magic wand and make things all better – if only it were that simple. When it all comes down to it, there is only one person that can help you overcome these things and that’s you. The mind is an incredibly powerful thing & the only way to overcome it is to change your thinking. And its all well & good for me to say this to you because Ive managed to achieve this to some degree –but I wish that I had someone when I was at your age to tell me this, instead of having to figure it out for myself.
What works for me is replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones. For example when I feel down or hard done by (why don’t I have this or that), I then think of what I do have (a nice house, a loving family, a decent job, a nice PC with an internet connection, etc.) and how I could have a much, much worse life (living in a third world country, with no clean drinking water & starving or missing limbs). I don’t really know you that well but I think I can assume that your life is far better than the scenario I’ve just described. Its all about perspective really…is my life that bad? Ive found that replacing negative thoughts with positives ones can dramatically improve your mood.
As for regrets, we all have them – we’ve all made mistakes. You have to learn to let them go, just try forgiving yourself for one at first. Then if you can do that you can move on from the others. Chances are nobody else even cares anymore, so why beat yourself up about them? That also goes for worrying what people think about you…I used to think the same thing. But then I thought I can’t change the way they think about me, so why am I obsessing about it? Again, chances are that people aren’t thinking what you’re thinking – you’d probably be surpised to find that it is probably the opposite. You’ve got to like yourself (hard I know, especially when you say you hate yourself), but that’s the first step. Surround yourself with people who are positive, and try to stay away from the negative types. Treat others how you want to be treated, and if they don’t return that treatment find those that will.
I hope my own experiences can help you in at least some small way. Chin up!
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Isn't that suck a fucked up thing to ship though?
I do love my fandoms and shipping to little itty bitty pieces though.
I've never vidded before, but I know what it's like to have a vision of something in your head and then not be able to make it come out the way that you think it should. I run into that all the time with my photography and painting. But mainly with my photos. Just gotta keep plugging along and have someone to bitch too :)
*hugs* I still use books to escape from RL. RL can be very very sucky a great deal of the time. Hope things get better for you :)
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