Title: 30
Music: "Riot" by Paris Carney (brief dialogue from The Office)
Fandom: Multi
Summary: "There's a riot going on in my head" A self-portrait about my experience turning 30 years old using important media sources from my life.
Content Notes: None.
Notes: Made for From There to Here at Vividcon 2018 as my last vid to show at the con. Thanks to
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lola for the beta and encouragement!
Download Link:
30 (79MB MP4)AO3I began working on this vid in the fall of 2016 when I was dealing with depression (I thought it was situational but it was deeper than that) and thought it would be interesting to see if I could find a way to vid what I was going through. I was turning 29 which made turning 30 real to me and I began to realize that I wasn't even close to achieving what I wanted to create: a happy life with a great career, romantic partner, best friends and satisfaction with who I am as a person. I've been an ambitious, idealistic person since I was a kid and not living up to my expectations for myself at an age where I thought I would have made some real progress with my life was terrible for me (ie wasted potential). I started with using some clips from my favorite vids (later I remastered them with actual show footage) and important shows to me that stood out to me with the lyrics and what I wanted to show and as time went on, I would return to the vid and keep adding clips to it. It helped me a lot to process my emotions (basically viddding as therapy) as I felt that least my bad feelings could create something beautiful.
I wanted to make a few comments on the clips and general arc of the vid since it's so personal that not everything might come through. First of all, Matilda was an important book/movie to me growing up as I was a big reader who felt alone (and later bullied) so it was important to me to start with that and the quote is from The Office from a child talking to Michael Scott and I always connected deeply to it in my life even ten years ago. I've spent a lot of nights curled up in a ball on my bed crying about my life so I strongly related to those clips in the vid and also love climbing up ledges like Brian and Root, not to jump (although safely that's fun) but to feel the adrenaline of being up high and trying to figure out what to do. When I showed Rebecca quitting her job and Buffy leaving town, I wanted to show how I tend to leave jobs and places in hopes I can find something that makes me happy even though it's usually an internal mental health issue (what I didn't realize before).
I wanted to use the clip of Fraser reaching out to the train because a vid meta post impacted me that talked about how that shot meant desperately wanting something and would mean that in any context so I wanted to use it to show me trying to find romance even when it always leads to rejection and heartbreak for me. I knew I had to include something about my mom dying and how terrible it was for me and how I still wish I had her in my life a lot so I put in clips that reminded me of that including the Buffy episode I watched the day I found out she died. I used effects on the Lex violently hitting something clip which was meant to replicate the effects in
sisabet's Without You I'm Nothing vid, which I've always loved and related to and showed that frustration I felt at the unfairness of the world. I wanted to use effects in the vid (such as glows) to highlight the emotion/mood from the source and also as a way to show my vidding progress in being able to use effects since the vid was for the From There to Here vidshow (first vid shown at Vividcon and then the last one).
Finally at the end of the vid, I wanted to show how vidding is a form of creative outlet for processing my life and emotions and how it can turn grief into beauty especially the happiness I get from showing my vids at Vividcon. I wanted to use clips from one of my favorite parts of the vid, Out Here by
heresluck (who also made my favorite vid, Superstar and clips from that are also featured throughout the vid) where Fraser steps toward the light to the decision to make something good happen and walk towards something unknown (how my vid will turn out/will others will like it) as it was always powerful imagery for me (and I relate a lot to Fraser). The last clip is based on a classic vid meta post,
The Life Cycle of Vid and Vidder by
luminosity in regards to #22, "God, I'm depressed. Post vid letdown. It's almost like giving birth." wherein by creating my vid, it's like creating a child (maybe a cat baby? ;)) symbolically to create something new from other components including my own life, clips from the media and songs.
I knew not everyone would get some or even most of the vid in the context of my life but I hoped people could empathize with certain parts and that I could show how my favorite media is intricately entwined with my life from my youth (The Lion King) to the current shows I watch. As I like to say, I was born a fangirl and I will die a fangirl, and I'm glad I'm able to create vids from that passion. Thankfully, I was able to find the right antidepressants after I turned 30 and it has made me so much happier including better self-esteem and self-confidence so that most of the vid no longer applies to my life even if I am still working towards creating the life I desire. But I'm glad I made it as a time capsule to issues I've struggled with and that still occasionally come up as well as a chance to be vulnerable and reveal more about myself directly in my art instead of using fictional characters to show it more indirectly (which is also wonderful!!).
